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Good evening. It's wonderful to be back
with you once again, isn't it, Ronnie?

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Indeed it is. And in a packed programme
tonight, we shall be looking at the

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newest craze to sweep the novelty shops
of Soho.

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00:00:35,491 --> 00:00:38,859
It's a pink plastic alarm clock, which
is guaranteed to give you a rude

5
00:00:38,860 --> 00:00:39,910
awakening.

6
00:00:41,040 --> 00:00:46,959
And we had hoped to bring to the studio
one of Britain's leading scientists, but

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he's just phoned in to tell us he's on
the verge of something big.

8
00:00:50,320 --> 00:00:51,780
He's broken down on the M1.

9
00:00:51,781 --> 00:00:57,349
At Prime Minister's question time today,
Mrs. Thatcher vehemently denied that

10
00:00:57,350 --> 00:01:01,589
the Treasury was in any way
underestimating the inflation rate. Then

11
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four -and -a -half bus home for 20 winks
at No. 5 Downing Street.

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Industrial news, and a shock
announcement today that Britain's

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manufacturers of dog biscuits has had to
call in the official retriever.

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And the management of the New London
Theatre apologised tonight for the non

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-appearance of the male lead in this
afternoon's matinee of Cats.

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He'd locked himself in the litter tray.

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And the BBC has apologised for tonight's
mix -up on Radio 3 when listeners heard

18
00:01:32,030 --> 00:01:34,010
Beethoven's Fifth Symphony backwards.

19
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Apparently, Andre Previn got hold of the
wrong end of the stick entirely.

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And now a sketch featuring Mr Ronnie
Corbett, who, when he was a boy, had to

21
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have his conker string start so he could
play it upwards.

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00:02:21,051 --> 00:02:28,279
Your Honor, sir, in what way can I help
you? Detective Inspector Glib of the

23
00:02:28,280 --> 00:02:29,360
Metropolitan Police.

24
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I've been sent here to ask you various
questions about several complaints we

25
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have had, and I think you might know
what we are talking about. I can't even

26
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begin to guess, sir.

27
00:02:38,800 --> 00:02:43,399
Then let's not beat about the bush, Mr.
Putis. It is alleged that on the 12th of

28
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January this year, you did, in your
capacity as a licensed taxidermist,

29
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creature that was not in fact dead.

30
00:03:01,070 --> 00:03:06,250
on the same date you did willfully and
maliciously stop his wife, Mrs. Smith,

31
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their two sons, Malcolm and Dennis,
their next old neighbor, who had popped

32
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for a Tupperware party, the relief
milkman, two traffic wardens, and the

33
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Avon representative.

34
00:03:20,430 --> 00:03:26,809
Oh. Four lollipop ladies, three ice
cream vendors, Mr. Herbert Beswick, an

35
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employee of the Parks Department, two
visiting rabbis, A double glazing

36
00:03:32,020 --> 00:03:34,100
and the Catford Salvation Army.

37
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Yes. Yes? What do you mean, yes?

38
00:03:37,700 --> 00:03:39,020
Well, what's the problem?

39
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What's the problem? You have stuffed and
mounted 34 perfectly healthy people

40
00:03:45,800 --> 00:03:49,680
with a perfect right to live and a
double glazing salesman.

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00:03:51,600 --> 00:03:57,119
And you say, what is the problem? Have
you ever any idea what premature

42
00:03:57,120 --> 00:03:59,760
can do to the career credentials of a
person?

43
00:04:00,220 --> 00:04:03,230
There are not a lot of vacancies for
bank tellers these days.

44
00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:07,740
And that is not all, either, Mr. Putis.
I don't know what you're talking about.

45
00:04:07,880 --> 00:04:12,039
We have reason to believe that you did
also stuff three members of Her

46
00:04:12,040 --> 00:04:13,090
Cabinet.

47
00:04:13,160 --> 00:04:14,580
You can't prove that.

48
00:04:14,820 --> 00:04:16,680
No, unfortunately, we can't.

49
00:04:18,140 --> 00:04:24,059
But if we ever find out which three they
are, you will be in very severe

50
00:04:24,060 --> 00:04:27,310
trouble, because the penalties will be
as stiff as your victims.

51
00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:32,470
Do you know what you can get for
stuffing Mr. Norman Tebbit?

52
00:04:33,680 --> 00:04:35,660
The Queen's Award for Industry, I think.

53
00:04:36,251 --> 00:04:43,619
I don't think you're taking this too
seriously, young man. I mean, there's

54
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too much of this thing going on. How
would you feel if a perfect stranger

55
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up to you and started ramming... Well, I
mean, they're thinking about it. I

56
00:04:50,920 --> 00:04:52,899
mean, how can you do it? How can you do
it?

57
00:04:52,900 --> 00:04:54,660
I'll get a grant from the GOC.

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00:04:57,870 --> 00:04:59,430
from the GLC Arts Committee.

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00:04:59,690 --> 00:05:04,349
The GLC Arts Committee and its infinite
wisdom gives you money for this barbaric

60
00:05:04,350 --> 00:05:09,469
exercise? Yeah, why not? It may just be
stuffing people to you, Constable, but

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to me and Ken Livingstone, it is a means
of vital self -expression.

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Self -express... For too long, the art
of taxidermy has been stifled as a truly

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aesthetic medium by social constraints.

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I mean, where's the challenging stuff in
dead animals all the time? I want to

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probe different areas.

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00:05:27,300 --> 00:05:31,999
I want to go into life subjects. I want
to capture the human essence in one

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bold, brash statement for perpetuity.

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I mean, this is no challenge to me. This
is all hack work. This is to a man of

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my sensitive talents. I am a heartache.

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00:05:42,700 --> 00:05:44,240
You're a flaming... loony.

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You look nice stuffed.

72
00:05:48,480 --> 00:05:51,970
You're not lovely stuffed and mounted.
You would a mounted policeman.

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Ha, ha, ha.

74
00:05:53,160 --> 00:05:54,210
Ha, ha, ha.

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Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha.

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00:05:56,260 --> 00:05:57,310
Ha, ha, ha.

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00:05:57,311 --> 00:06:00,739
Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. Ha,
ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha,

78
00:06:00,740 --> 00:06:02,000
ha. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. Ha,

79
00:06:03,420 --> 00:06:08,860
ha, ha. Oh, you gave me all that dodgy
information.

80
00:06:08,861 --> 00:06:12,759
Yeah, thanks for setting him up, Percy.
Yeah, he really went for it, didn't he?

81
00:06:12,760 --> 00:06:14,779
And you were in there listening all the
time.

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00:06:14,780 --> 00:06:18,519
Well, you know, me and women police
constable lodges. She's in the bear over

83
00:06:18,520 --> 00:06:19,570
there.

84
00:06:20,320 --> 00:06:21,700
Just a minute, just a minute.

85
00:06:21,701 --> 00:06:25,279
What do you mean, women police constable
lodges in the bear skin?

86
00:06:25,280 --> 00:06:28,830
Well, she's in there. She's inside the
bear. I did that bear this morning.

87
00:06:28,831 --> 00:06:30,179
Oh, my God.

88
00:06:30,180 --> 00:06:31,230
Oh, Doris.

89
00:06:31,460 --> 00:06:34,820
Doris, speak to me. Speak to me. Oh,
hello, Sergeant.

90
00:06:34,821 --> 00:06:41,119
You know what I'd like to do to you,
don't you? Yeah, don't say it. I might

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00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:42,170
it.

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00:06:42,851 --> 00:06:44,259
We

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welcome

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00:06:52,240 --> 00:06:55,380
our special Christmas guest, Elton John.

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00:07:14,540 --> 00:07:21,339
We still sit at different tables And we
sleep at different times

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00:07:21,340 --> 00:07:27,839
And the warm winds in the palm trees
Hasn't helped to change

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00:07:27,840 --> 00:07:34,659
our minds It was the lure of the trough

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That I thought might heal the scars Of a
love burned out by

99
00:07:41,580 --> 00:07:44,440
silence In a matter of days

100
00:07:47,500 --> 00:07:54,459
And I call the kids on the telephone Say
there's something wrong

101
00:07:54,460 --> 00:08:01,439
out here It's July but it's cold as
Christmas In the middle

102
00:08:01,440 --> 00:08:08,059
of the year The temperature's up to 95
But

103
00:08:08,060 --> 00:08:12,440
there's a winter love in your mother's
eyes Since you melt

104
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To this Caribbean surge But there's a

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00:08:59,570 --> 00:09:05,449
nice difference on everything And I
cannot find the light

106
00:09:05,450 --> 00:09:12,449
With the beauty in the peace we made
While the frost in the summertime

107
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And I call the kids on the telephone

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Say there's something wrong

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00:09:29,780 --> 00:09:32,780
© BF -WATCH TV 2021

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00:11:36,970 --> 00:11:39,490
Greetings. I am one long pong.

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00:11:43,730 --> 00:11:46,590
One master of all jiu -jitsu.

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Trust me.

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00:11:49,310 --> 00:11:53,050
Confucius say, cold in head, me nip in
the air.

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Ah, there he is.

115
00:11:56,430 --> 00:11:57,830
Him kamikaze.

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Him goikaze.

117
00:12:03,590 --> 00:12:05,830
Too much fried lice, greedy pig.

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00:12:07,660 --> 00:12:09,520
Me champion hold black belt.

119
00:12:09,800 --> 00:12:12,040
If belt breaks, also hold black braces.

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Otherwise trousers fall down and
everyone see black bifronts.

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And say I saw him big in martial arts.

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00:12:23,400 --> 00:12:25,340
Me expert at karate.

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00:12:25,740 --> 00:12:29,720
This means empty hand, like Scotsman on
Flag Day.

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00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:36,360
See hands and feet of one long pong are
reefer weapons.

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Especially feet.

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00:12:38,400 --> 00:12:40,060
Because me never change socks.

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00:12:41,420 --> 00:12:44,100
I put feet in water, make some soft.

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00:12:44,340 --> 00:12:46,380
Also, sleep with feet out of window.

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Wife insists.

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That's why me second Dan.

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00:12:51,740 --> 00:12:54,120
Sometimes called Dan Dan, the dirty old
man.

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00:12:55,320 --> 00:12:57,700
Always fight clean, love all sport.

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00:12:58,100 --> 00:13:01,160
Kendo, Kung Fu, Judo, Ludo and Cludo.

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00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:03,260
And fucking conkers.

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00:13:04,220 --> 00:13:07,700
Sometimes spend all night... Do a
workout on mat with Mrs.

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00:13:08,260 --> 00:13:09,840
She come at me with big stick.

137
00:13:10,120 --> 00:13:12,480
I say, can do? She say, no can do. Got
headache.

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00:13:16,060 --> 00:13:19,540
Her parents bind her feet to keep them
small.

139
00:13:20,020 --> 00:13:21,200
Pity I forgot her mouth.

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00:13:24,431 --> 00:13:26,459
Never mind.

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00:13:26,460 --> 00:13:27,720
Now I demonstrate.

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00:13:39,470 --> 00:13:43,110
You watch me smash nuts.

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00:13:45,450 --> 00:13:47,990
Him sing high song.

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00:14:14,860 --> 00:14:17,500
This trick, very popular with music
lovers.

145
00:14:18,180 --> 00:14:20,100
Because they make Spiderman's record.

146
00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:23,960
Now you say, is trick painful?

147
00:14:24,420 --> 00:14:26,400
No, only if you play record.

148
00:14:27,260 --> 00:14:29,460
This trick, very good for headache.

149
00:14:29,880 --> 00:14:31,840
If you not got one, you soon will have.

150
00:14:49,450 --> 00:14:50,650
me look proper, Charlie.

151
00:14:52,170 --> 00:14:55,710
But me no give him sake, him drink whole
bottle.

152
00:14:56,070 --> 00:14:59,330
Now, show you best flow in judo.

153
00:14:59,670 --> 00:15:00,720
Flow.

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00:15:03,750 --> 00:15:08,010
This flow, she got two very good holds.

155
00:15:10,590 --> 00:15:12,770
She put me on my back many times.

156
00:15:14,190 --> 00:15:15,630
Also pretty good at judo.

157
00:15:16,210 --> 00:15:18,110
Now, me come up behind her.

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This give normal girl nasty shock.

159
00:15:24,550 --> 00:15:30,390
But not Flo. She just turn round and
give me two chops.

160
00:15:35,290 --> 00:15:37,610
Very good.

161
00:15:38,350 --> 00:15:40,530
Must have butchers down her tunic.

162
00:15:42,090 --> 00:15:44,830
Oh, sweet and sour, eh?

163
00:15:45,190 --> 00:15:47,250
Never mind, I go now.

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00:15:47,660 --> 00:15:48,860
and cook something else.

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00:15:48,900 --> 00:15:49,950
Soya dumplings.

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I have a good idea.

167
00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:54,680
We have another peak.

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00:15:56,140 --> 00:15:58,280
This one called Peaking Duck.

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00:15:58,500 --> 00:16:00,100
Very tasty. That's long.

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00:16:00,600 --> 00:16:01,650
Sayonara.

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00:16:21,930 --> 00:16:27,069
Loomy chapels fill the bill. We'll drive
the little trains away. They'll shuffle

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00:16:27,070 --> 00:16:28,270
up along the track.

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00:16:28,530 --> 00:16:32,950
For Jones the cart. And Jones the creel.
It's up the junction.

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00:16:33,250 --> 00:16:38,790
Up off to Antlend. There's nothing else
to do. But ready we'll drive it back.

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00:16:39,210 --> 00:16:45,229
We'll drive the little trains away. To
go in armour, to arms and nails. We've

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00:16:45,230 --> 00:16:48,970
overtaken lots of snails. But only when
we go downhill.

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00:16:54,250 --> 00:16:57,750
I had downed the line. Hat shouted out,
send me aside.

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00:16:58,070 --> 00:16:59,970
And one of these days we will.

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00:17:00,690 --> 00:17:05,828
What a boozer driver Evans is. Fifteen
pints for his elevens. Half past five at

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00:17:05,829 --> 00:17:08,030
six and seventy. On his little engine.

181
00:17:08,690 --> 00:17:12,270
Couldn't steam up, couldn't stoke.
Backed his boiler daft also.

182
00:17:12,530 --> 00:17:15,849
Down the depot, piston broke. On his
little engine.

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00:17:18,630 --> 00:17:22,910
That Harrods combination's on Monday's
hanging.

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00:17:24,619 --> 00:17:28,800
Pegged them upon signals, confusing me
and died.

185
00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:34,320
Those naughty little pink foundations
and heart masks hanging round the yards.

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00:17:34,560 --> 00:17:39,300
Mean whistle through to drivers and hung
about to dogs.

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00:18:00,170 --> 00:18:06,630
When it reached a smashing pace, she
used to grease my loco.

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00:18:06,870 --> 00:18:13,249
So on the sly, I had a try, and she
said, I should

189
00:18:13,250 --> 00:18:19,989
cocoa. She said I chased, and did the
old

190
00:18:19,990 --> 00:18:21,630
don't dare bit.

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00:18:22,270 --> 00:18:29,130
A girl so pure, round here I'm sure,
must be a real Welsh rabbit.

192
00:18:33,630 --> 00:18:40,549
Each year at my steadford we sing in the
chorus. They try to ignore us,

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00:18:40,550 --> 00:18:42,290
how singing so dire.

194
00:18:42,550 --> 00:18:46,710
So I make rude faces, antennas and
vases.

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00:18:46,970 --> 00:18:51,030
I stand on suitcases, so I can sing
higher.

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00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:58,679
Did my taffy look up in the laffy behind
Morgan's taffy? We sing ten

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00:18:58,680 --> 00:18:59,730
till four.

198
00:18:59,940 --> 00:19:01,920
And he says bravissimo.

199
00:19:02,420 --> 00:19:04,120
Oh, sing fortissimo.

200
00:19:04,580 --> 00:19:08,340
Don't pee onissimo under the door.

201
00:19:12,040 --> 00:19:17,879
I know a girl in Merthyr Tydfil who for
27 quid will snuggle up close and

202
00:19:17,880 --> 00:19:20,980
whisper breathily, but don't tell the
missus in Clarnetha.

203
00:19:23,260 --> 00:19:28,579
Heaven ever had a Honda, drove his
girlfriend up the Rhonda, where he

204
00:19:28,580 --> 00:19:31,800
kissed and caught her. Now she's in the
miners' club.

205
00:19:32,520 --> 00:19:34,220
Yes, our elite crew.

206
00:19:34,540 --> 00:19:39,429
Die flies on the sick. Hope it's a
break, dear. Because he, like you, has

207
00:19:39,430 --> 00:19:41,600
nasty bruise and a railway rugby
function.

208
00:19:41,790 --> 00:19:45,570
He stood on the line for the 10 to 9 and
caught it on the junction.

209
00:19:46,730 --> 00:19:51,909
Hugh is sitting in the loo. It's the
homemade beer that they get round here

210
00:19:51,910 --> 00:19:56,309
the boys get Brahms and list with. And
Ivor Russell lost his truss on the bus

211
00:19:56,310 --> 00:19:57,360
Arbor Ridge.

212
00:21:17,961 --> 00:21:24,509
but doesn't seem to have turned out that
way. An interesting series of old film

213
00:21:24,510 --> 00:21:27,189
clips. And when I say old, do I mean
old? Well, I suppose I do, really.

214
00:21:27,190 --> 00:21:28,929
Otherwise, I wouldn't have said it.

215
00:21:28,930 --> 00:21:31,849
Discovered recently behind a stack of
toilet rolls in the private loo of the

216
00:21:31,850 --> 00:21:35,130
head of drama, BBC One. Old, faded and
cracked. But then who isn't?

217
00:21:35,131 --> 00:21:38,229
Nevertheless, we thought it worthy of an
airing. It features Arthur Halliday,

218
00:21:38,230 --> 00:21:39,280
the vagabond lover.

219
00:21:39,281 --> 00:21:42,689
who toured the music halls with one of
the first one -man shows ever. So

220
00:21:42,690 --> 00:21:44,569
-called, because that was usually the
size of the audience.

221
00:21:44,570 --> 00:21:47,269
A great favourite with the ladies, he
was a very upright, forthright and

222
00:21:47,270 --> 00:21:50,549
downright disgusting character who lived
to a ripe old age, getting riper as he

223
00:21:50,550 --> 00:21:54,160
got older, until he finally died of
drink, women and horses at the age of

224
00:21:54,161 --> 00:21:57,129
He was to have been buried in a pauper's
grave, but the pauper rejected, so he

225
00:21:57,130 --> 00:22:01,089
had to have one of his own. Here he is,
in his prime, in 1932, singing his most

226
00:22:01,090 --> 00:22:02,930
popular ballad, Life's Highway.

227
00:22:03,230 --> 00:22:05,940
See how it grabs you, and what's more
important where.

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00:22:37,450 --> 00:22:38,650
God is the most gracious.

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00:24:02,600 --> 00:24:03,650
Like me.

230
00:24:20,400 --> 00:24:25,040
I say, Humphrey, what is it, Godfrey?
You see that toe?

231
00:24:25,280 --> 00:24:26,330
chap over there.

232
00:24:27,340 --> 00:24:31,999
Well -dressed, sprightly sort of look.
Yes, that's him. Five years ago, he was

233
00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:35,280
destitute, in rags, all due to drink.

234
00:24:36,300 --> 00:24:37,960
Damn cursed drink he is.

235
00:24:38,920 --> 00:24:39,970
Can I see another?

236
00:24:40,320 --> 00:24:41,370
No.

237
00:24:41,740 --> 00:24:46,339
Luckily, he met one of these temperance
chappies who told him just to have a

238
00:24:46,340 --> 00:24:48,480
look at where his money was going to.

239
00:24:48,680 --> 00:24:53,459
The rich publican smartly dressed with
the sports cars and the... places in the

240
00:24:53,460 --> 00:24:56,140
country while he, the drunkard, was
penniless.

241
00:24:56,380 --> 00:24:59,880
All due to man's insatiable desire for
alcohol.

242
00:25:00,460 --> 00:25:04,620
And that actually put him on the right
road, eh? Oh, absolutely, yes.

243
00:25:04,900 --> 00:25:06,180
Gave up drink completely.

244
00:25:06,620 --> 00:25:07,940
No, no, he bought a pub.

245
00:25:11,871 --> 00:25:13,399
Good

246
00:25:13,400 --> 00:25:20,660
night.

247
00:25:21,020 --> 00:25:26,899
Tonight I'd like to, if I may, to tell
you a very funny joke about two American

248
00:25:26,900 --> 00:25:30,760
tourists. It's very, very funny.

249
00:25:31,020 --> 00:25:33,940
By the way, I may fall asleep while I'm
telling this joke.

250
00:25:35,060 --> 00:25:39,339
And if I do, just carry on without me,
will you? No, I'll tell you why I say

251
00:25:39,340 --> 00:25:44,560
that. It's a bit of a long story, but I
was up in the BBC bar this lunchtime.

252
00:25:45,080 --> 00:25:49,960
The producer was putting it away again,
and he was lying there.

253
00:25:50,770 --> 00:25:55,029
Proudly boasting to anyone who would
listen about this old banger he's got

254
00:25:55,030 --> 00:25:56,470
will turn round on a sixpence.

255
00:25:57,050 --> 00:25:59,350
And to be honest, she does look the
type.

256
00:26:01,730 --> 00:26:05,849
Actually, I wouldn't have gone up to the
bar at all, but the canteen was shut

257
00:26:05,850 --> 00:26:07,450
again. You know, usual thing.

258
00:26:07,750 --> 00:26:09,850
They were still creosoting the Ravita.

259
00:26:11,210 --> 00:26:16,509
To be honest, the food in there hasn't
been much the right home about just

260
00:26:16,510 --> 00:26:20,180
lately. The last time I went in there, I
had to take the skin off the custard.

261
00:26:20,330 --> 00:26:21,380
with a tin opener.

262
00:26:22,050 --> 00:26:27,490
Anyway, I was... I was... A few canteen
workers in tonight.

263
00:26:29,110 --> 00:26:33,989
Anyway, I was a bit edgy. Well, sort of
nervy, you know. I haven't been so

264
00:26:33,990 --> 00:26:36,929
nervous, actually, since the time I
found myself in the gents with Shaking

265
00:26:36,930 --> 00:26:37,980
Stevens.

266
00:26:49,930 --> 00:26:51,430
I've just seen that one myself.

267
00:26:54,730 --> 00:26:59,290
So I decided... I think I'll finish on
that.

268
00:27:00,610 --> 00:27:04,310
So I decided to go down and see the BBC
doctor.

269
00:27:04,590 --> 00:27:08,949
And as I walked in there, there were
yellow tablets floating all around the

270
00:27:08,950 --> 00:27:11,120
where he'd left the top off a Valium
bottle.

271
00:27:12,630 --> 00:27:16,369
I had a bit of a long wait because
earlier in the day he had been giving

272
00:27:16,370 --> 00:27:18,390
acupuncture to some wrestlers.

273
00:27:18,800 --> 00:27:21,750
And he was now busy looking for a needle
in giant haystacks.

274
00:27:23,000 --> 00:27:27,399
Anyway, it gave me some very strong
tranquilizers, so if I do doze off, or

275
00:27:27,400 --> 00:27:28,880
doze off, you'll know why.

276
00:27:29,120 --> 00:27:31,820
Now, on to this very funny joke.

277
00:27:32,260 --> 00:27:37,719
Actually, to be honest, it is not, you
know, that funny, but, well, you know,

278
00:27:37,720 --> 00:27:41,079
just seemed funny, I suppose, when I
first heard it a few weeks ago, because

279
00:27:41,080 --> 00:27:45,179
that time I was feeling a little
depressed, and it was the day every

280
00:27:45,180 --> 00:27:50,260
dreads. I'd just got... my call -up
papers for Celebrity Squares.

281
00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:56,239
I remember it distinctly because it was
the day Mrs. Thatcher announced that she

282
00:27:56,240 --> 00:27:58,900
was planning to renegotiate the Ten
Commandments.

283
00:28:02,340 --> 00:28:04,870
So she could have Cecil Parkinson back,
I suppose.

284
00:28:07,840 --> 00:28:12,559
I'd gone round... I'd gone round that
day to see my agent. Now, we've been

285
00:28:12,560 --> 00:28:16,230
together since I started when I used to
work at Buckman's as an undercoat.

286
00:28:16,231 --> 00:28:21,869
I used to go on and warm up the audience
with a red coat, you see.

287
00:28:21,870 --> 00:28:26,210
Anyway, well, he told me this joke about
two American tourists.

288
00:28:26,211 --> 00:28:29,049
Now, unfortunately, we don't know the
names.

289
00:28:29,050 --> 00:28:32,110
So for the sake of armour, we'll call
them Lil and Abner.

290
00:28:34,090 --> 00:28:36,560
A little bit of bonus information there,
you see.

291
00:28:37,210 --> 00:28:40,280
If you don't like the joke, you can
admire the improvisation.

292
00:28:41,550 --> 00:28:45,869
So they've come to England and they have
just done all the tourist bit. They've

293
00:28:45,870 --> 00:28:48,400
been to Whitehall to see the changing of
the guard.

294
00:28:48,480 --> 00:28:50,950
in a London taxi to see the guarding of
the change.

295
00:28:52,140 --> 00:28:58,540
And they decide... They decide... I'll
wait about for a bit.

296
00:28:58,860 --> 00:29:03,440
They decide that to round it all off,
they'll spend a day at the zoo.

297
00:29:03,900 --> 00:29:07,859
So off they go to Regent's Park, and
they see all the animals. Well, not they

298
00:29:07,860 --> 00:29:11,110
don't see all the animals, because a lot
of them are on flexi time.

299
00:29:13,470 --> 00:29:18,190
Most of the kangaroos commute from home,
so they have to leave very early.

300
00:29:18,390 --> 00:29:23,409
But anyway, they see a large number of
them. They see the huge Bengal tiger,

301
00:29:23,410 --> 00:29:27,949
only the week before ate his keeper, and
is now getting visits from Lord

302
00:29:27,950 --> 00:29:29,000
Longford.

303
00:29:30,930 --> 00:29:36,409
Then, suddenly, the wife says, she says,
Hey, Abner, she said, I've got a great

304
00:29:36,410 --> 00:29:37,460
idea, she says.

305
00:29:37,490 --> 00:29:38,990
Let's go see the gorillas.

306
00:29:39,580 --> 00:29:41,630
There'll be a whole heap of fun, she
says.

307
00:29:42,160 --> 00:29:45,720
And her husband... It was quite good,
that, wasn't it?

308
00:29:45,721 --> 00:29:49,679
There'll be a whole heap of fun. Her
husband said, you're right there. We'll

309
00:29:49,680 --> 00:29:51,480
to the apiary and see the gorillas.

310
00:29:51,820 --> 00:29:53,020
So off they go.

311
00:29:54,100 --> 00:30:00,579
Off they go to the monkey house, but
when they get there, off go in the...

312
00:30:00,580 --> 00:30:03,059
they get there, the gorillas' cage is
completely empty.

313
00:30:03,060 --> 00:30:06,370
They've all gone off to make a
documentary on David Attenborough.

314
00:30:09,420 --> 00:30:10,470
I haven't done that.

315
00:30:11,020 --> 00:30:12,280
That would be ridiculous.

316
00:30:12,580 --> 00:30:18,719
So... So the woman goes, and she
buttonholes one of the zookeepers, who

317
00:30:18,720 --> 00:30:21,310
to be nearby, fitting a tortoise with a
damp course.

318
00:30:22,800 --> 00:30:26,499
She says, hey, where have all these
lovely gorillas gone? She says, the

319
00:30:26,500 --> 00:30:27,939
completely empty. So the keepers are.

320
00:30:27,940 --> 00:30:34,499
He says, I'm sorry about that. He says,
uh, you can't... Dexterous with the

321
00:30:34,500 --> 00:30:35,880
voices, you've got to admit.

322
00:30:35,881 --> 00:30:37,159
So you...

323
00:30:37,160 --> 00:30:40,999
You come at rather an awkward time, you
see, because this is the time of year

324
00:30:41,000 --> 00:30:44,460
when gorillas are a bit, as it were,
frisky.

325
00:30:45,840 --> 00:30:49,940
I mean it. And I'm afraid they'll be in
that little den at the back there doing,

326
00:30:50,060 --> 00:30:52,400
you know, what gorillas like to do, you
see.

327
00:30:53,080 --> 00:30:56,510
As you can see, he says, they've hung a
Do Not Disturb sign on the door.

328
00:30:56,511 --> 00:31:00,119
It's worth my life's worth to interrupt
them, you see. Oh, the woman says, she

329
00:31:00,120 --> 00:31:03,299
says, oh, heck and dang it, she says,
we've come a long way. We've come all

330
00:31:03,300 --> 00:31:04,860
way from Schenectady, she says.

331
00:31:05,140 --> 00:31:06,190
Haven't we, Abner?

332
00:31:06,440 --> 00:31:10,200
It really set my heart in seeing a
picture of your little old gorillas

333
00:31:10,201 --> 00:31:13,179
The keeper says, well, he said, I'm
sorry, madam. He said, they're otherwise

334
00:31:13,180 --> 00:31:14,440
engaged, and that's that.

335
00:31:14,441 --> 00:31:17,679
Then the woman at the bright idea, she
says, hey, I just thought, she said, do

336
00:31:17,680 --> 00:31:19,910
you reckon they'd come out for a bag of
nuts?

337
00:31:20,060 --> 00:31:23,130
And the keeper said, well, come on,
madam. He said, would you?

338
00:31:36,940 --> 00:31:43,779
This is the strange tale of Archie
Barber of 23 ordinary villas,

339
00:31:43,780 --> 00:31:44,920
suburbia.

340
00:31:49,260 --> 00:31:50,640
Doris, look what I've found.

341
00:31:50,800 --> 00:31:53,090
Told you this place probably used to be
a dump.

342
00:31:53,440 --> 00:31:54,490
Well, it is a dump.

343
00:31:54,840 --> 00:31:55,980
No, probably a bird.

344
00:31:56,200 --> 00:31:57,400
A real dump.

345
00:31:57,800 --> 00:32:00,210
This letter come from the council,
second post.

346
00:32:00,211 --> 00:32:01,519
Oh, yeah, what is that?

347
00:32:01,520 --> 00:32:04,230
They've refused your permission for your
extension.

348
00:32:05,160 --> 00:32:10,580
Would you, Adam and Eve? Well, what a
stupid load of cancer they are.

349
00:32:11,580 --> 00:32:13,860
Why must they spoil everybody's fun?

350
00:32:15,300 --> 00:32:17,520
A man like me needs an extension.

351
00:32:19,600 --> 00:32:22,100
Sometimes I wish I was 1 ,000 miles away
from you.

352
00:32:26,920 --> 00:32:28,000
Where's he gone?

353
00:32:28,980 --> 00:32:33,280
God, I wish he wouldn't smoke them
Turkish.

354
00:32:38,520 --> 00:32:44,439
Archie, although he didn't know it, was
being whisked through time as well as

355
00:32:44,440 --> 00:32:49,200
space to start a new life in the
mysterious East.

356
00:32:51,060 --> 00:32:57,659
Years later, we find him in the fairy
tale city of old Baghdad, plying

357
00:32:57,660 --> 00:32:59,200
his honest trade.

358
00:32:59,201 --> 00:33:04,659
Welcome, O wise and sagacious son of
Ella. May the moon of plenty shine upon

359
00:33:04,660 --> 00:33:05,710
your daughter.

360
00:33:06,040 --> 00:33:07,090
Be ready Thursday.

361
00:33:11,560 --> 00:33:16,900
So he worked, putting his heart and soul
and heel into the business.

362
00:33:18,600 --> 00:33:21,820
Protecting the craft that he had been
trained for.

363
00:33:22,420 --> 00:33:24,590
I used to work for Freeman Hardy and
Willis.

364
00:33:25,700 --> 00:33:28,460
His name spread throughout the land.

365
00:33:29,080 --> 00:33:31,540
and came to the ears of the caliph
himself.

366
00:33:32,140 --> 00:33:34,780
Now, the caliph had very sharp ears.

367
00:33:35,240 --> 00:33:38,400
He also had a beaky nose and terrible
feet.

368
00:33:39,620 --> 00:33:45,919
He was therefore delighted when
Archibaba placed upon his delicate

369
00:33:45,920 --> 00:33:50,980
pair of shoes as pliable and soft as a
mouse's ear.

370
00:33:53,400 --> 00:33:56,360
Archie, too, was indeed a happy man.

371
00:33:57,070 --> 00:34:02,110
he put up a large sign outside his shop
announcing his royal patronage.

372
00:34:02,730 --> 00:34:08,449
Sadly, it was this very sign that was to
bring about his undoing.

373
00:34:08,450 --> 00:34:10,369
Here, what's your game? Where are we
going?

374
00:34:10,370 --> 00:34:11,420
Prison. Prison? Why?

375
00:34:11,650 --> 00:34:14,360
Treason. Treason? For what reason? Your
sign outside.

376
00:34:14,650 --> 00:34:16,330
My sign? What's the matter with my...

377
00:34:44,780 --> 00:34:48,510
Three days I've been sitting in here,
and they haven't even allowed me one

378
00:34:48,511 --> 00:34:52,879
I know they haven't invented the phone
yet, but you thought you might let me

379
00:34:52,880 --> 00:34:53,930
shout out the window.

380
00:34:55,420 --> 00:34:56,860
What are you in for, darling?

381
00:34:57,580 --> 00:35:01,190
I hope we're not going to chop your head
off, are we? That would be a waste.

382
00:35:02,740 --> 00:35:05,030
Pity they don't have Mick's cells, isn't
it?

383
00:35:05,960 --> 00:35:08,250
I wish he was where you are and you were
in here.

384
00:35:16,170 --> 00:35:17,220
I'd be let loose.

385
00:35:17,250 --> 00:35:18,300
I'd be kept on a leash.

386
00:35:18,710 --> 00:35:19,760
Called a riot.

387
00:35:20,390 --> 00:35:21,590
Sorry I got all the smoke.

388
00:35:21,790 --> 00:35:24,200
I thought it was the kebabs arriving for
dinner.

389
00:35:24,830 --> 00:35:27,540
You know, they bring them in and cook
them at the table.

390
00:35:27,590 --> 00:35:29,760
If you complain, they cook you at the
table.

391
00:35:31,690 --> 00:35:34,160
Sometimes I wish I was a thousand miles
from here.

392
00:36:37,960 --> 00:36:40,800
Oh, yes, and the next one brought me
here on a table.

393
00:36:41,400 --> 00:36:44,050
Next wish I make, I'll be careful what
I'm sitting on.

394
00:36:44,580 --> 00:36:46,930
I'd hate to arrive anywhere on a flying
toilet.

395
00:36:47,700 --> 00:36:51,320
It would indeed be an inconvenience.

396
00:36:52,400 --> 00:36:55,160
What's the old three wishes bit, is it?

397
00:36:55,620 --> 00:36:56,670
Four.

398
00:36:57,300 --> 00:36:58,350
Four? Why four?

399
00:36:58,900 --> 00:37:00,820
Special offer this week only.

400
00:37:01,420 --> 00:37:03,060
Oh, that's fortunate then.

401
00:37:03,260 --> 00:37:04,920
So I've got two left then, have I?

402
00:37:05,760 --> 00:37:08,700
One. You wish. the girl into your cell.

403
00:37:09,600 --> 00:37:13,239
Oh, yeah. Well, if I've only got one
left, my last wish would have to be to

404
00:37:13,240 --> 00:37:15,199
me back home to London. It'd have to be
that, I'm afraid.

405
00:37:15,200 --> 00:37:19,940
I regret, Master, that I'm allowed only
one voyage through time.

406
00:37:20,640 --> 00:37:26,459
And if I were to take you to London now,
you would find a vast area of evil

407
00:37:26,460 --> 00:37:27,740
-smelling rubble.

408
00:37:28,220 --> 00:37:30,930
Oh, like it was during the dustman's
strike, you mean.

409
00:37:30,931 --> 00:37:34,639
Well, could have a little time to think
about it, because as a matter of fact,

410
00:37:34,640 --> 00:37:37,730
I'm... all that much of a hurry to leave
here in a moment.

411
00:37:38,990 --> 00:37:45,089
Time passes, and Archie, knowing he
can't escape, settles into a life of

412
00:37:45,090 --> 00:37:48,150
and plenty on his Robinson Crusoe
island.

413
00:37:48,970 --> 00:37:52,390
Companions were supplied by the
accommodating genie.

414
00:37:52,650 --> 00:37:53,750
Where's Friday?

415
00:37:53,990 --> 00:37:55,870
It's Friday's day off.

416
00:37:56,250 --> 00:37:58,010
I thought Thursday was her day off.

417
00:37:58,330 --> 00:38:02,830
No, Thursday is Tuesday's day off. Oh,
is that right, Tuesday?

418
00:38:45,211 --> 00:38:52,479
Of course, a bit of a mix. How are you
supposed to be, mate? I'd be Doctor Who,

419
00:38:52,480 --> 00:38:53,530
that's right.

420
00:38:54,940 --> 00:38:58,200
No, you used to be Doctor Who. Now your
words will come in.

421
00:38:58,520 --> 00:39:01,340
Oh, I must have got the wrong head on.

422
00:39:01,660 --> 00:39:06,379
Oh, it's all coming back to me now, as
the sailor said when he spat into the

423
00:39:06,380 --> 00:39:07,430
wind.

424
00:39:21,800 --> 00:39:22,850
Oh, Dorothy.

425
00:39:23,180 --> 00:39:24,600
Up the yellow brick road.

426
00:39:25,360 --> 00:39:29,660
I could while away the hours conversing
with the flowers.

427
00:39:32,120 --> 00:39:33,170
It's another.

428
00:39:37,560 --> 00:39:44,180
Just a minute. The Tardis.

429
00:39:45,040 --> 00:39:46,880
It's my chance to get home, isn't it?

430
00:39:48,120 --> 00:39:50,940
Listen, girls, I'm off. Be nice knowing
you.

431
00:39:51,390 --> 00:39:52,440
All the best.

432
00:39:54,270 --> 00:39:57,640
Don't worry, if it don't work out, I'll
be back on Friday by Tuesday.

433
00:40:28,110 --> 00:40:33,189
travel through time there was a nail
sticking out of the tardis at the back

434
00:40:33,190 --> 00:40:38,589
can travel through anything when his
loincloth gets caught on a nail i

435
00:40:38,590 --> 00:40:43,669
nearly had several times well

436
00:40:43,670 --> 00:40:49,209
you can't walk about like that can you
hide behind there see if we can get you

437
00:40:49,210 --> 00:40:53,330
some clothes can't you make yourself any
smaller i will

438
00:41:15,880 --> 00:41:16,960
I mean, she lives here.

439
00:41:17,220 --> 00:41:19,080
No, she don't. I live here.

440
00:41:20,820 --> 00:41:22,900
Well, I've got to find her. Mrs.

441
00:41:23,160 --> 00:41:24,680
Barber? Ring the police.

442
00:41:24,900 --> 00:41:26,220
There's a box over the road.

443
00:41:28,520 --> 00:41:29,940
How long has that been at it?

444
00:41:30,240 --> 00:41:33,120
Ever since I've lived here. 30 years. 30
years?

445
00:41:33,500 --> 00:41:34,740
I come here in 1985.

446
00:41:35,160 --> 00:41:36,380
30 years ago.

447
00:41:38,620 --> 00:41:39,960
Righto, mate.

448
00:41:59,440 --> 00:42:00,490
Where have you been?

449
00:42:00,491 --> 00:42:04,039
Why have you been so long, Doris? I
thought you'd just gone down for a

450
00:42:04,040 --> 00:42:05,339
You've been gone three hours.

451
00:42:05,340 --> 00:42:06,390
Three hours.

452
00:42:06,391 --> 00:42:07,799
The supper's ruined.

453
00:42:07,800 --> 00:42:09,420
Well, that's nothing new, is it?

454
00:42:09,860 --> 00:42:11,760
Come on, get inside.

455
00:42:12,320 --> 00:42:16,120
And so Archie once more picked up the
threads of his life.

456
00:42:16,680 --> 00:42:19,820
Except that now he had a newfound
friend.

457
00:42:20,260 --> 00:42:23,280
You're really stupid walking about with
you as big as this.

458
00:42:24,040 --> 00:42:25,540
Get laughed at in the pub.

459
00:42:26,890 --> 00:42:29,130
Have you really tried to get any
smaller?

460
00:42:29,490 --> 00:42:33,650
Indeed, oh, master. It was all my
powers, but to no avail.

461
00:42:34,110 --> 00:42:37,090
May Allah forgive the unworthy pig of a
servant.

462
00:42:37,550 --> 00:42:40,870
Oh, for God's sake, talk proper. Not all
that Easter rubbish.

463
00:42:41,290 --> 00:42:42,340
Right, I squirt.

464
00:42:47,670 --> 00:42:52,329
So that's the story, dear. The wife left
me. All I've got now is this great load

465
00:42:52,330 --> 00:42:53,109
of lard.

466
00:42:53,110 --> 00:42:54,160
What a shame.

467
00:42:54,161 --> 00:42:57,649
Can I have another drink, by the by? Mm.

468
00:42:57,650 --> 00:43:00,710
Tom. George, a Bacardi and Coke, please,
and two beers.

469
00:43:01,090 --> 00:43:02,710
A pint for me and a gallon for him.

470
00:43:04,910 --> 00:43:06,530
Why can't you wish more wishing?

471
00:43:06,930 --> 00:43:08,990
Well, I lost my bottle, didn't I?

472
00:43:08,991 --> 00:43:12,709
I mean, I got my last wish. I mean, I
had that grant. You got what I wanted,

473
00:43:12,710 --> 00:43:13,229
didn't you?

474
00:43:13,230 --> 00:43:14,280
What was that?

475
00:43:15,450 --> 00:43:18,100
Why don't you come back to my place and
I'll show you?

476
00:43:21,370 --> 00:43:22,420
You what?

477
00:43:22,670 --> 00:43:25,740
You mean I'm coming all the way home
just to have a look at you?

478
00:43:26,480 --> 00:43:31,060
That's about the size of it. It's not 11
foot by 9 foot 6.

479
00:43:40,420 --> 00:43:44,899
Well, that's all we seem to have time
for tonight, but before we go, a few

480
00:43:44,900 --> 00:43:51,699
items. Early today, Sir Christy Sotheby,
the famous nudist auctioneer, received

481
00:43:51,700 --> 00:43:55,430
an embarrassing injury when his entire
collection came under the hammer.

482
00:43:56,501 --> 00:44:04,429
Angry voices were raised at today's mass
meeting of the Albert Hall of Britain's

483
00:44:04,430 --> 00:44:05,309
Avon ladies.

484
00:44:05,310 --> 00:44:07,300
It all ended with a right old ding
-dong.

485
00:44:08,530 --> 00:44:09,580
Sports news.

486
00:44:10,050 --> 00:44:16,689
Japanese welterweight boxer Aiko Shimbun
was defeated yesterday, so he went home

487
00:44:16,690 --> 00:44:18,250
and committed Harry Carpenter.

488
00:44:18,251 --> 00:44:23,549
Next week, we'll be investigating
rumours that the president of the Dairy

489
00:44:23,550 --> 00:44:26,869
Council has become a mason and goes
round giving his colleagues a secret

490
00:44:26,870 --> 00:44:27,920
milkshake.

491
00:44:31,050 --> 00:44:35,109
In a very frank interview with Mrs.
Thatcher, she'll be revealing that she

492
00:44:35,110 --> 00:44:37,170
have a soft spot for Arthur Scargill.

493
00:44:37,690 --> 00:44:38,910
It's the Goodwin Sands.

494
00:44:42,390 --> 00:44:44,250
Until then, it's goodnight from me.

495
00:44:44,251 --> 00:44:45,919
And it's Goodwin Sands from him.

496
00:44:45,920 --> 00:44:50,470
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